12. Distress

Dear Readers,

This Sunday, I thought I shall talk about something that has been bothering me, this whole week. That feeling I thought I had completely let go off, came back knocking at my doorstep. I haven’t felt this way in almost 2 years. I don’t know what brought this on, if I’m completely honest. Maybe it’s the fact that everything is going extremely great.

Maybe because I found something real. Maybe because I love the way my mom and I get to spend a lot of time together. Maybe, it’s the way my dad and I share something that can’t be properly explained using words. Maybe it’s that without speaking much, my brother and I say a lot of things. Maybe it is that now, I’m finally letting a few friends or acquaintances get close to me. Maybe it is because of someone who I thought I was extremely close and important to, doesn’t give a shit about me, anymore. Maybe it’s this rejection that reminded me of all the times, people left.

I don’t know what it is, but people always left. And I am pretty sure that, one day, the people I am glad I have in my life, currently, will also leave. Or I’ll leave them, before I have to watch them leave. It’s just a matter of time. But, now, all I am thinking is whether it’s worth letting this continue, letting this selected bunch, know more about my life and bring down my wall. Or should I just stop talking to everyone I have enjoyed talking to? Including family.

I know you all probably think I have commitment issues. And maybe I do. Maybe I don’t want to commit to someone, rather anyone, because I know for a fact that they’ll leave me. Now, you think I am just scared of being vulnerable. And maybe I am. But, they always leave. Even family. Maybe, it’s something I’d do. Maybe they wouldn’t want me to be a part of their life, anymore. Maybe, I push them away.

Sometimes, I behave like a rude ass, so if people want to get offended and leave, I would have given them a reason to leave. Is this just how life is and I should just accept that people are going to leave and bring my wall down and in a way be happy? Letting people in, regardless of knowing that they’ll leave, is happiness?

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

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8 thoughts on “12. Distress

  1. Don’t put up your walls. Its not worth it. In the end it will be you that makes yourself lonely. I know people with trust issues. This doesn’t sound like a commitment issue to me–it sounds like a fear of rejection. Fear is a liar. The chances that everyone you are close to now will suddenly abandon you isn’t realistic. It’s an over exaggerated fear. The better thing for you to do would be to appreciate what you have, and work on those relationships. If you are standoffish you’ll push people further away. In the end you’ll end up exactly where you don’t want to be–alone. I’ve seen people do it to themselves. Be confident in you, and love like you’ll never be hurt. If you get hurt, shake it off and love again. Sometimes the things that people fear in the end is the thing they create. Do the opposite of what you fear.

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  2. All my friends from high school slowly abandoned me. But aside from that, MY problem is I never make connections AT ALL. I didn’t meet a single person in college, and all my coworkers, all about my age, don’t say more than “Hi, how’s it going?” to me. I don’t have the privilege of having honest conversations with anyone. And to add to that, my psychotic symptoms give me these hallucinations/delusions that people are physically, tangibly hurting me, with their magick superpowers, or telepathically invading my mind. People are generally not a good thing for me. So I too have no one to confide in. I used to love doing that on my blog from another time, but that buzz isn’t around anymore. And even here, I feel people are harassing me when “they aren’t”, so I block them (out), as well. It’s this balancing act, except you’re already sunk, between being hurt by the combination of psychosis and other people, or being alone. But I think, true loneliness, when no one is around (someone is always around, in my mind), is the most peaceful I can possibly feel. If I could be truly alone, forever, I would be the happiest person on Earth. (So I guess it’s not really a balancing act, I misspoke.)

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  3. I find that in these moments of abundance we start worrying about the day we will lose what we treasure so much. The way I look at it now, I think it is better to spend as much time making awesome memories with those you have close to you right now, and don’t let anything tarnish that, not even if they have to leave. Know that their leaving is never personal, and that their decision doesn’t mean anything about how worthy a person you are. Eventually everyone will pass away, but till then we can enjoy time and love spent with them while they’re here. ❤️

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      1. But even if they no longer like you or love you, that’s a decision they made because of something in THEM, not some flaw in YOU that makes you unlovable or unlikable. This has been very hard for me to grasp too, that someone not loving or liking me is not a personal failing on my part somehow, but realizing it has given me so much peace and I can finally love me for the first time in my life. Whether someone else loves me, likes me, leaves me, or stays with me, I now understand that I am worthy of love no matter what, and my love and compassion for myself is not ruled out by someone else’s opinion or treatment of me. Learning this has been very healing to me and has enabled me to forgive people I thought I would hate for the rest of my life. ❤️

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      2. That makes sense, and I can grasp the universal truths in what you are saying. But I am looking at it less about whether I am a good person and deserving of love, and more about the reasons someone may have for discarding me as a friend. If it is because I talk too much, for example, then I take it personally that someone felt so strongly about one of my habits or quirks that they chose to leave. Sometimes, it gives one reason to examine one’s faults, and consider whether it may be worthwhile to work on them. And sometimes, it just hurts your feelings, whether or not their reasons are valid or not

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      3. I definitely get where you’re coming from on that. It’s very hard not to look at someone’s rejection of ourselves as being somehow our fault–whether we talk too much, have a strange quirk, etc. Been there! I had a friend “dump” me when I was 12 because she didn’t think I was “cool enough,” and that stung for years until I realized it wasn’t that I wasn’t “cool enough”–it was that she was too selfish at the time to actually care about someone else. I had bent over backwards for someone who honestly did not value the friendship as much as I did, and I felt responsible for her feelings somehow. Finally understanding that her feelings were her responsibility and not mine was liberating. It meant I did not have to sacrifice and compromise myself in order to have friends, and it meant I could stop worrying about whether a fault of mine had somehow “caused” their feelings. It’s not that I believe I have no flaws–I can be verbose, passive aggressive, etc. But I also know that I am kind and compassionate to my friends, and am there when they need me. If that is not enough for someone and they decide to leave/stop speaking to me, that is their decision and I won’t torture myself over what I could have possibly done to make them happier. Did that for way too long and it’s just not worth the long-lasting emotional and mental anguish. My feelings can definitely hurt for a time if this happens, but this thought pattern helps me heal faster and approach things in a much more healthy way.

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  4. I think that if you are lucky enough to have people in your life that you are already close to and enjoy spending time with, then it’s not very healthy to push them away. I, too, have been abandoned by those I was once close to. But, unlike you, I have no close friends or even casual friends to fill in the gaps or ease the hurt. It is hard to walk alone. You become so accustomed to it, that it only becomes harder to let people into your little world, harder to trust anyone, harder to form relationships with others. I have no emotional support system. If I need to talk to someone, then I can journal, or blog, or write letters to imaginary friends and pretend that they will respond. Unless you are really prepared to live such a life, then you should hold on to the people you are so close to. It is one thing to be in my position, staring into the shop window at all the lovely things with no money to spend. It is quite another thing to already own those lovely things, but to wish to throw them away.

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