This Sunday, I thought I shall talk about something that has been bothering me, this whole week. That feeling I thought I had completely let go off, came back knocking at my doorstep. I haven’t felt this way in almost 2 years. I don’t know what brought this on, if I’m completely honest. Maybe it’s the fact that everything is going extremely great.
Maybe because I found something real. Maybe because I love the way my mom and I get to spend a lot of time together. Maybe, it’s the way my dad and I share something that can’t be properly explained using words. Maybe it’s that without speaking much, my brother and I say a lot of things. Maybe it is that now, I’m finally letting a few friends or acquaintances get close to me. Maybe it is because of someone who I thought I was extremely close and important to, doesn’t give a shit about me, anymore. Maybe it’s this rejection that reminded me of all the times, people left.
I don’t know what it is, but people always left. And I am pretty sure that, one day, the people I am glad I have in my life, currently, will also leave. Or I’ll leave them, before I have to watch them leave. It’s just a matter of time. But, now, all I am thinking is whether it’s worth letting this continue, letting this selected bunch, know more about my life and bring down my wall. Or should I just stop talking to everyone I have enjoyed talking to? Including family.
I know you all probably think I have commitment issues. And maybe I do. Maybe I don’t want to commit to someone, rather anyone, because I know for a fact that they’ll leave me. Now, you think I am just scared of being vulnerable. And maybe I am. But, they always leave. Even family. Maybe, it’s something I’d do. Maybe they wouldn’t want me to be a part of their life, anymore. Maybe, I push them away.
Sometimes, I behave like a rude ass, so if people want to get offended and leave, I would have given them a reason to leave. Is this just how life is and I should just accept that people are going to leave and bring my wall down and in a way be happy? Letting people in, regardless of knowing that they’ll leave, is happiness?