64. Reflection

Dearest Readers,

This week was good. I did have a few productive hours. Obviously I want this duration of productive hours to be a hell of a lot more. But I see progress and I’m happy that there is progress.

Last year this time I had learnt that it is not good to keep things to myself and I started sharing. I’m so glad. I learnt the importance of letting people into my life. Because, the bonds that I share with my three family members and a couple others are irreplaceable and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I’m so so grateful to have these people in my life. The world just seems like a better place with them around.

I don’t really know what to say know because my head’s a bit cloudy and I have a few other things to do. But I wanted to not miss another week. So, I just thought I should write a few words down to satisfy my own need to write a new blog every Sunday. Hope you had a great Sunday and have a great upcoming week. Good night!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

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63. All Over The Place

Dear Readers,

Everything seems distasteful. It’s not like something is wrong. It’s not like I’m experiencing extreme negative feelings or hurtfulness. I just don’t feel like doing anything. For the past 2 months, I have zero motivation. I don’t feel like watching matches anymore. I don’t feel like blogging anymore. I don’t feel like playing the violin anymore. I don’t feel like working out anymore. I don’t feel like stepping out of the house anymore. I don’t want to do something new. I don’t feel like writing. I don’t feel like studying.

Last month, that is, in January, I created a habit tracker. At the end of the month, I evaluated my habit tracker and I scored only a 37%. Yes, I had a lot going on with guests coming home. But I know that if I put in a little effort, I would have definitely gotten at least a 60%.  This is me evaluating myself. It’s not like I put up hard things to do daily. Everything put together would take 5-6 hours in a day, which I really need to do for a better and secure future. So if I really want to do it all, I would and I could. I just lack the motivation to do any of them.

I just find myself scrolling my Instagram explore feed for hours on end or end up refreshing my feed to check for new updates from my friends. I don’t want to take a drastic step of uninstalling an app because I believe in the fact that an individual should be able to control and not succumb to an application of all things.

To be honest, I haven’t really been productive since the start of this semester. I may have only exerted 20% of my energy and this 20% consists of my workouts and my deadlines. I can and am capable of much more. This is not me being hard on myself. It’s just blatant truth that I’m writing down partly to admit to myself and partly also to out-rightly come out and tell everyone what I have been up-to and why I haven’t been blogging and own up to my actions.

I did quite a few fun things in January, a few of them that I’m super proud of. Because I finally feel like I’m coming out of my fear balloon. My confidence ever since has sky-rocketed. January was such a good start to the year.

There was one interesting thought that I came across in January. Someone told this to me which to be honest, blew my mind away. Someone told me their analysis of me, which I’m sure was just a passing comment, but it had a major impact on me. Someone told me that I’m not shy, I’m just afraid to voice out my opinions because I’m afraid of being judged for it. It made me realise how I have been through-out my life. Ever since I’ve heard this, I have consciously been making changes and I have been telling people how I truly feel. Yes, I’m afraid that they’ll not want to talk to me anymore, but I cannot and will not succumb to fear anymore.

That’s all for this Sunday. I will definitely start blogging every Sunday. No more excuses. Hope you all had a good start to the year. It’s okay if you haven’t. Start consciously making changes to make the rest of the 11 months good. Have a great week ahead. See you all next Sunday.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

62. Dull Blogs

Dear Readers,

Like a month back or something someone told me that they would not put out blogs just for the heck of it and they would only write something if they think would be interesting and something the readers would love to read. By this they indicated that my RB blogs are dull, boring and monotonous. This stuck to my head and I started evaluating my blogs. Since September of last year, my blogs have been updating ya’ll on what I’m doing and not really introducing fun concepts or writing fun or interesting things. But yesterday I realised that though my readers (aka you) are very very important to me and an important part of blog, I should also write about me and if I like writing and documenting about what I did in a particular week, then I should do that irrespective of whether people find it boring. Because there is not much I can do about that. I am not travelling and I’m not going places. 90% of my time is spent at home and I go out only if I truly want to. In a lot of ways, I lead a boring life. I’m very content with this boring life. And I want people to know that you can be content with what you have and not look for something flamboyant everyday of our lives. And though I termed my life boring, I personally don’t find it boring. Every single day I’m doing new or different things. Every single day I learn something new. Every single day I’m having fun with my boring life. And if you guys ever find it boring then I’m sorry for wasting your time with my boring blog. But this is me. This is my blog. My blog is a reflection of me. I will not apologise for my dull blogs. I value consistency and quality, and I know for a fact that my blogs need to be consistent for it to be qualitatively better. If you don’t mind getting bored with me and my blogs, see ya’ll next Sunday 😉

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

61. Reset: 2019

Dear Readers,

HAPPY NEW YEAR, YA’LL. I’m completely aware that I haven’t written a blog for two Sundays which was simply because it felt like my blogs had come to a point wherein all I was doing is updating you all about how busy my week was and how I couldn’t concentrate enough to come up with something to talk about for my blog. Partly, it was true but I was also lazy to come up with something interesting.

I’m also aware that today is not a Sunday but I wanted to break off my break on January 1st and click a reset button on my blog and on my life. I don’t depend on the starting of the year to restart and make new resolutions. But, I thought it would be a great opportunity to evaluate where my life is at in this blog and start with a fresh mindset with a few life principles. I know that I’m not the only one to think about this. Everyone does it. I want to do this, as well. The evaluations made are:

Where am I at in my education? I’m currently doing my final semester of Bachelor’s in Psychology. I’ll be done with my exams by mid-April. I don’t intend to take a break year before I do my Master’s. So, I will be applying for various college across the country and I’ll be giving entrance exams for the same, hoping I’ll get into any one of them. I truly am nervous about my Master’s because I honestly don’t know what I will do if I don’t get to any of these colleges. Yes I know we should always have a plan B and not put all the eggs in one basket, but I’m doing this because I know that if I won’t do this, I will not work hard because in my head I’ll know that I have a back-up plan.  So, one major and most important goal of 2019 would be to get into a college away from home for my Master’s.

Where am I at in my personal life? I am at a place in my life wherein I am very comfortable and accepting for who I am and who everyone is. My confidence in the last yeah has grown massively. I don’t body shame anymore. I’ve started liking my body for what it is. I’m slowly trying to stop seeking external validation and I’m trying to be okay with not getting praises or applauds from others because I don’t want my well-being to get affected because of what others are saying and not saying. I still stress a lot about a lot of things which I slowly must stop doing. I need to stop being critical whenever I have periods during the week wherein I don’t want to do anything and simply laze around. Yes, of course I should not making it a habit, but I need to understand that it is okay for me to feel like not doing anything.

What are my priorities? My priorities will include: The eight people whom I consider absolutely important in my life. My education will be another priority which will include getting good marks for my current semester and for my entrance exams. The books that I intend to and must read this year will be another priority. To practice playing the violin almost every day of this year is something I intend to do. I must also try to work out almost every day of this year. This year I am also going to prioritise to consciously make an effort to be a genuine, honest and good.

Hope you had a good read. I hope we all have a great 2019. I hope we get the chance and the determination to achieve everything we set out to in this year. I personally don’t have any other goals this year apart from getting into a good college which I will wholeheartedly try to succeed at. If it doesn’t work out then I’ll think of something else. Do you have goals/resolutions that you have made for this year? Share your thoughts in the comment section below. See ya’ll next Sunday!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

60. Random Blog

Dear Readers,

I was still recovering from fever, cold and cough but I had an amazing week, though it has it’s own ups and downs. I didn’t really do everything on the schedule that I wanted to do. I still managed to procrastinate a lot because though I wanted to do a lot of things, my body physically wasn’t able to do them.

Don’t really have anything to talk about this week. I’m sacking off. I hope I can write something fun, next week. Thank you, all. Have a great week ahead 😀

Regards,

Realistic Beginner.

59. Scattered Thoughts #2

Dear readers,

  1. Nobody knows enough. Nobody knows everything. Nobody knows the answer to everything in life. Nobody definitely has learnt everything. If that were true, we would have solved so so many unsolved questions we’re in dire need of solving. People who act that they do are fooling nobody but themselves. Nobody should act like they know everything, because they don’t.
  2. I always felt threatened of people who showed that they knew it all, that they had it all. Turns out, after 20 years of fearing such people, I learnt that it is merely a mask that people portray. Even if they don’t know something, they’d act like they do. I personally have also done that. But, in my second year of Bachelor’s Degree, I stopped doing it. I would admit that I don’t know something if I didn’t. If I say that I know something, I’d stand my ground because I truly know it. People think I’m lying, but whatever I say, I say because I truly stand by it and I know what I am talking. People often stop talking to me because of my raw unadulterated talks. Yes, I am still working on my positive outlook to everything, but I often say things the way they are or the way I feel about it, which doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m negative. I’m just telling things the way they are.
  3. Many people sort of imitate me. I get that “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” but I don’t get flattered, to be honest. I feel threatened when people imitate me. They buy the same things I buy. They do the same things I do. Since, I look it as a threat, I stop doing the things people “copied” from me. One, because I feel like I lose my originality. Two, because I wonder what if they get better at it than I am. I didn’t stand by whatever I was doing, because I was always concerned about what others around me were doing and if they are doing the same things I do. If they are doing the same things I’m doing, I look for ways to make that particular thing different because I don’t want to be the same. I’m trying to not do that anymore, to be honest. I’m trying to not feel threatened by such things.
  4. One among my biggest fears is to be similar to someone else. If there is a particular thing that needs to be done, they need to think of me. I do not know if this quality of mine is bad/good, or will it harm me, but that is how I am. It needn’t necessarily mean one particular quality. It can be a lot of things. But I need to be good at it and people need to remember me for it.

That is all for this week. I spent most of this week in bed, because I was unwell. Hope you have a great week ahead. Adios.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

58. Negative Week

Dear readers,

I haven’t really been doing justice to the blog. I am having trouble sicking to a schedule and if I’m not completing all the tasks in a said day, I think I’m worthless and I question my self-worth. This week, I had a lot of trouble with my own self. This whole week was me seeking gratification from others because I felt I wasn’t worthy enough. I even thought of stupid horrible things that I thought I’d gotten rid of a long back. But it all came back to me, this week. I hated every inch of my body. I didn’t like what I was doing. I thought I was worthless and I deserve nobody. I even tried to push all the people in my life away by saying stupid things. This week was filled with negativity and this was the worst week I have had this year. The frequency of one whole bad has clearly reduced to once a year but I don’t want it to ever happen again. I need to trust myself more. I need to believe in myself more. I also found out my IQ, this week which boosted my self confidence right back up. I am ready for this week. I have a lot to do. May nothing terrible happen. May you and I have a great week ahead. Goodbye.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

57. Lazy Week

Dear Readers,

This week I barely went to college. I went to college for 2/4 working days. I didn’t feel like I could bring myself to want to get up and get ready to go to college. It’s hugely monotonous. I went to the gym 1/6 days. It’s not like I did much at home. It’s not like I watched something fun. It’s not like I slept fully. This was an absolute waste of time week. But I’m not cribbing about it. I chose this. I wanted it to be a lazy week. Like how I choose to make the upcoming week different. And since it was a lazy week, I don’t really have a topic that I want to discuss about or something that I want to say. I let all my creative juices flow in the abstract that I had to write with my friend for a Research paper that we’re working on and on a personal letter that I had to write. I have a long week ahead. I just hope I don’t slack off! Hope you had a better and productive week than I did. Let’s have a great week ahead. Cheers.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

56. Afraid: Not Knowing

Dear readers,

This week regular classes for my last semester have begun. Things have already started piling up, I need to be on my toes already. I need to also figure out proper time slots and remain organised if I need to get everything done. Not really aiming for getting up at a particular time or sleeping at a particular time, but getting the daily things done is what the overall goal is going to be.

This Sunday, I thought I shall speak about fear. Specifically, fear about things I don’t know/understand. I have learnt about myself recently that whenever I don’t know something, I fear it. One among the reasons why I fear my anxiety attacks are because I haven’t really figured out why I have them. If I don’t know how to play a game in the initial stages, I fear it. If I don’t know anyone and I fear speaking with them. If I don’t know a concept in my syllabus, I start fearing it. If I don’t know the answer to a particular question someone is asking me, I start fearing it. So, basically I start fear things, people or anything I don’t know.

Now let me explain this fear. I start sweating, my chest starts hurting, a weird sensation in my stomach, my heartbeat starts increasing, I start getting nauseous and my mouth feels dry and if I’m alone. This fear often leads to self doubt which hinders functioning.

I feel this every time I start anything new, as well. I don’t really know how to tackle it. And I haven’t really pondered about the why. It was like a new enlightenment when I was having a conversation with someone close. If there’s anything you would like to add with respect to this blog or give solutions that might work for this problem, please feel free to write about it in the comment section below. Have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

55. Last Semester Of Bachelors

Dear Readers,

This week, I got done with my exams. Hopefully, I clear them all with no arrears. I went out for lunch immediately after my exams were done. One among those lunches wherein the food wasn’t mind-blowing but the company was. This whole week ended with me becoming so lazy so that I barely did anything worthwhile. No, I’m not complaining. Yes, I need to get better.

This upcoming week, I will be entering my last semester of B.Sc. Psychology. I need to nail it, this semester. FOCUS. FOCUS. FOCUS. Over all I have listed down the things I need to do everyday for the next 4.5 months. To make it more challenging for me personally I’m going to list the goals down on this blog. I need to do it at least 80% of these days because, speaking from experience, I know I will slack off for a couple of days here and there. So after 4.5 months, I can look back on this blog and see how well I have done them all. Starting this week, I need to do the following everyday:

  1. Study for Semester 6
  2. Prepare for Entrance Exam  (Subgoal: Also start solving as many MCQ’s)
  3. Read the news
  4. Read a few pages from a book (recreational)
  5. Practice the violin
  6. Go to the gym
  7. Blog writing
  8. Play video games or watch the match (depending on the league)

Now that it’s out in the open, I’ll make a checklist as well for the next 4.5 months. That is till the beginning of April (which is when my end semester exams begin for the last time). I need to do this and do this well. Now that I have set goals that need to be done, I will start working on them from this week. I’m not going to jump ahead and create a long term goal and see this is what I want to achieve by then end of 4.5 months, but if I take one day at a time and do these said 8 things, attaining my goals is going to be more favourable. The goal here is to focus on one day at a time. I really hope this is a success.

If you want to participate along with me and set 8 goals for yourself that you plan on doing everyday, list them down below in the comment section and we can keep tabs on each other. What methods do you use to set goals for yourself and have they worked? What do you think about my plan? Hope you had a great week and have a wonderful week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

54. Lacking Assurance

Dear readers,

I had two exams this week. I wrote one really really well and I wrote one so bad that I could possibly fail that paper. I truly hope that doesn’t happen and somehow I scrape through and not break my ‘no arrears’ streak. Let’s see what happens. I don’t know what it is with exams, I’ve never been able to fair well though I know all the concepts conceptually. I need to learn how to get better as it effects my overall score.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not progressing, you know? I am still complaining the same things about myself. I still can’t fully be as productive as I want to be. I still can’t let go of a lot things. I’ve been the same in a lot of ways. I don’t know what it is. Laziness, yes. But, I don’t really know what it is. I can’t point my finger on it. Sometimes, I feel like I have no will and sometimes I feel like there’s so much grit in me that I can be the next female Elon Musk. But this inconsistency in my determination is what scares me the most. I need to figure out a way to be consistent through-out. Or at least manage my time and figure out a way wherein I can be consistent. I don’t know, this week I was extremely self-critical towards myself. I did not really go to the gym (which could have been a factor in me having low self-confidence). I hated my guts. I hated everything about myself. I questioned my self worth. I questioned my morals (whether I had any). I questioned my ability to do anything in life. I questioned my actions. I wondered if I need to stop acting like an 80 year old and instead “have fun” like a 20 year old. I have not really done anything close to what my acquaintances are doing and I wondered if I needed to do them to be acceptable in the social circles. Whether I’m a rebel without a cause (titled by my own friends). I wanted a proper answer for “who am I?” and I wasn’t able to find a satisfactory answer, because I haven’t truly achieved anything in life. This issue has been spoken about in lot of different ways on my blog earlier, as well. I just haven’t found the answers to the questions I need answered or at least the solution to not feel this way again. I’m pretty sure I need a clean slate, which I hope happens if I ever get the chance of being admitted in a decent college away from home and this is something that I really want. I have a lot of things unfinished, which I need to start focusing on. I need to be more sure and confident with regard to what I’m doing. This was something that lacked in me all week and deep inside my whole life. I need to not lack assurances. I need to be sure of myself. I need to believe in myself. That’s all for this week. Hope you have a great and positive week ahead. I hope I do too.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

53. All or Nothing: Manchester City

Dear readers,

This week was considerably a lazy week even though I had one exam. I was supremely tensed for this exam but it went rather well. Again, I can’t disregard the tension, because this tension helped me study better. This weekend went rather really nice. I watched a docu-series on Manchester City (football club) called All or Nothing: Manchester City and I was absolutely mind-blown. Every minute of the episode wanted me to yearn for something better and bigger in my life. This series made me believe that if we try hard and try really hard with all our determination, a proper well thought-out plan and the ability to adapt when things don’t go as planned, we can make it big. “The best thing about our season is that it doesn’t matter where we were, because we play with character and courage” and “I know it is difficult guys, I know because you want to win. I know. But you have to learn how to play football with courage”  are two major quotes that Head Coach Guardiola says that I will hold close to my heart. I have felt this way for four other movies which are: Bhaag Milka Bhaag, M.S. Dhoni, One Direction: This is us and Step Up 3D. Four movies and 1 docu-series now will be something I was always re-watch when I personally lack determination and have commitment to work issues. One day, I would like to see my self succeed, maybe not big as them, but maybe as successful as I personally want myself to be. I have not been trying hard and I agree. Anything I say can be disregarded as an excuse, but I’m slowly getting there. I can see drastic changes in my self, in the way I deal with people, in the way I let people deal with me, in the way my parents see me. I hope I continue and I hope I can achieve something with it. Right now, my only focus for the next month would be to learn and study enough to get into a college. I have plan B, C and D but I would sure like plan A to work. I promise the readers that I will work my ass to try my best to make plan A work. Hope you have a great week ahead. Cheers.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

52. Upcoming Exams

Dear readers,

This week 4 days were extremely hectic because of a submission that I had to make, one day was extremely fun because I went out (which is also the highlight of this week) and the other two days were the days I was extremely lazy. Did not go to the gym this week regularly. I am not writing my blogs properly. I am not reading. I have started watching TV shows that I intended to , which is a good thing. But now, I’m doing nothing apart from them. My exams start this week. I have only 4 exams but there are so many holidays in between, which I need to make use of. I need to NEED to score well this time. No lazing around. No excuses. I have ample time to prepare for all of them. I also need to get my sleep cycle back on track because my exams this time are in the morning. So, I need to get used to waking up in the morning so I can go write an exam. I’ll try giving more time for blog writing and violin practice for a brief duration every single day along with the gym. That’s all for this week. Hope you all have a great week ahead 😀

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

51. Update

Dear readers,

I wasted this week. I spent the entire week focusing on watching a TV show. Though I feel it was unnecessary, I wanted to do it anyway. I went for my first violin class today. I loved it. I love that I’m finally learning an instrument. I have an exam tomorrow. Hopefully that goes well. Nothing else has truly been going on. I’ll write about a particular topic next Sunday, I promise. Hope you all have a great week ahead 😀

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

50. A Week Of Joy And Sadness

Dear Readers,

This week was a very annoyingly stressful and extremely happy week.

All the notes that I had written for my exams for the upcoming weeks somehow were stolen and now I have no notes to study from. I’m finding studying for these exams extremely difficult, to be honest.

A good thing that came out was that all the case studies that I worked my ass for, were a grand success. And I received commendable marks for them. I’m ecstatic about my work and the marks.

Another good thing was that last week, I mentioned something regarding planning to start doing “something” from the second week of October. Now that it’s definitely happening, I would love to announce that I’m going to be learning an instrument: the violin. And yes, I have no prior knowledge. Yes, I have a million other things to do. But, I also want to do this and I know I will regret it if I don’t. So, I’m finally learning an instrument.

I have three more exams this week. And then a week break before my end semester exams begin. I hope I can start again with regard to my notes and also do well. Hope you had a great week. Hope you have a great week ahead. See you next Sunday 😀

ALSO HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE THAT I’VE OFFICIALLY POSTED 50 BLOGS WITHOUT A WEEK’S BREAK!

Regards,

Realistic Beginner.

49. An Insightful Week

Dear readers,

This week was super hectic because I had to do a case study and submit that case study in the same week. Wasn’t really happy with that. This weekend I’m expected to do another case study and submit it on Monday. I hope it turns out to be good. And once I’m done with my case study, my preparations for my exams will begin. I really hope I don’t find the urge to be lazy and procrastinate, because I really want to do well in my exams.

I have not been really going to the gym for the past 10 days. I need to start doing that as well. The week after this, I have something planned that I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember. The dream that seemed distant now seems not so distant anymore. Hopefully, that starts in the second week of October. I’ll announce that once I can actually do it.

One other interesting thing happened this week. I put in a lot of effort into how I look in terms of my dressing because it was cultural week in my college. I didn’t apply make-up or change the way I wear my hair, but I just wore new styles of clothes than what I normally wouldn’t wear. I learnt a lot with this change in attires. A few of them are:

Firstly, I shocked myself and the people around me for being able to pull off such clothes. No one expected me to wear such authentic Indian clothes and be able to look good in them, as well.

Secondly, since I was able to pull it off, it acted as a huge confidence boost. I was getting random compliments from people I barely talk to. People were noticing me when I was walking, which made me super conscience. Maybe they always noticed me, but they made it evident this week, some even smiled at me. Some were hesitant to tell me I look good and some couldn’t stop staring at me. Which made me realise how much of an impact clothes can have on people.

Thirdly and weirdly enough, (some of you may think I’m lying or I’m just crazy) I found myself wondering if all of this was fake. It wasn’t, and I know it wasn’t fake. I did look good and the people around me also felt the same way. But I couldn’t help myself but think about and be extremely grateful for those people in my life who call me “beautiful”, “lovely” and other adjectives that make me feel good, when I’m not dressed up and when I don’t put in efforts to “look pretty”. So, I have this new-found admiration for people who called me pretty adjectives on “normal days”.

Yes, this doesn’t mean I am never going to dress up or I’m only going to wear pretty clothes. No extremes. If the situation demands me to wear something out of the ordinary, now I will gladly wear it because now I have the confidence that I would be able to pull it off. But on days when it’s not necessary, I will gladly be comfortable wearing the clothes that I usually wear. But I understood that I should not use my clothes as a medium to gain people’s attention or to seek validation.

This coming week, I have three aims: study well, go the gym all 7 days and read! Hope you all had a great week. Let me know what you thought about this blog in the comment section below. Let’s all have a great and productive week. See you, next Sunday!

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

48. Abrupt Sunday Blog

Dear Readers,

I just wanted to publish this blog because I wanted to remain consistent and I haven’t fully written the blog that I wanted to publish this week, because I have been extremely busy. I love absolutely love the fact that I study psychology and I hope that in the future I would love to work as a psychologist. Absolutely honoured. I promise to try being consistent as much as possible. Hope you had a great Sunday. Hope you have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

47. A Letter To Family Member #1

Dear readers,

Yes, this is going to be a letter series for a couple more weeks because there haven’t really been situations for me to tell this individually to them or I’ve been to shy to tell them this. So this is a letter to one family member that I respect the most. So here goes:

Dear Family Member #1,

I’ve known you my whole life. You are able to read me thoroughly. You could tell, easily. You know almost everything about my life. You’ve known more than anyone else. You are really good at understanding the situation, comprehending it, rationalising it and coming up with a logical response. You have your own self doubts (just like the rest of us) but I’ll still look up to you and seek for your advice/motivation because no one does it better.

Our relationship is unimaginable. I don’t want to get into specifics, because I don’t really want the world to know how much you mean to me. But the phrase “I’d kill for you” would be apt here 😀 And also, I would gladly give my life for you (I’m an egotistical ass, so this definitely means something)

We don’t really know each other’s everyday happenings but we know each other. And to be honest, that means a lot. Something silly like I know you’re capable of asking me “was posting such letters really necessary?” And to be honest, it’s not really that necessary. And I was never going to write them and post them online. Especially because I’m extremely secretive about my life and my family or loved ones. These letters are not for other people to read. These letters are for me. These letters are for my satisfaction. Writing these letters gives me joy.

I love you. I have never said this to your face. But I truly do. You mean the world to me. I respect you. I admire you. I envy you. We may have our differences. We may think differently. We may have physical fights. But I am who I am because of you. Yes, there are other very few people that are shaping me into being the 20 year old girl that I am but you contributed to 60% of what makes me, me.

If someone asks me what are the top three childhood memories that I’d always cherish, you’re definitely in all three of them. You’re also the benchmark that I’ve set when I’m speaking with any person. The shit that my friends are doing, I’ve seen it already because of you. Sometimes, I understand and don’t judge them and wholeheartedly accept them because I’ve seen the things you’ve done.

I could listen to you talk all day. If I’m ever doing something, in my head, I’d always think if you’d be okay with it, or if you’d understand why I did it (even if there’s a 1% chance of you being okay with it, I do it without any hesitation, otherwise I don’t). I don’t believe in being blessed or having someone to thank for to have you in my life. I’d just want to thank the parenting styles that have been adopted to make you and I who we are and how close we are.

You’re strong. You’re capable. You’re much more. Thank you for not being stupid (I’m sure you’d say the same for me). Thank you for everything. I’m super glad to have you in my life!

Regards,
Your family member.

Hope you all liked this letter that I’ve written to a family member. Share your thoughts in the comment section below. Hope you all have a great Sunday and a lovely week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

46. A Letter To My Lover

Dear readers,

This week I thought I will muster up the courage to write about what I expect from my lover. I was refraining from writing about this because my concept of love hasn’t remained constant throughout my life and also from the fear of being judged for having a lover or wanting a lover.

I like to believe that I have a very practical overview of what love is and how I expect my lover to be. I’ve mentioned this in my previous blog posts as well. I don’t really seek materialistic affection. Lust and love are two absolutely different things. Lust can turn into love and vice versa but they’re two different phenomenons which needn’t necessarily be present at the same time. Agreed that this letter will be politically correct because I do not want to indicate anything. So, here goes the letter to my lover:

Dear lover,

I believe that everything happens for a reason. So if you are in my life, it is for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is or I’ll never know (considering how slow I am). I always believe that communication is key. Yes, I hate confrontations and I hate sharing my feelings, but when it comes to being in a relationship, I’ll try my level best to be open about my feelings.

I truly don’t need you to do anything for me. I don’t need your constant praises about my body. I don’t need you to buy me things. I don’t need you to pay any bills. I don’t need you to surprise me. I don’t need you to be present all the damn time. I don’t need you to text me all the damn time. I don’t need you to introduce me as your lover to your friends. I don’t need you to include me in your plans with your friends unless you want to.

I just need your absolute honesty. I just need the time that we spend together to be qualitative. I want you to play video/mobile games with me. I want us to play pranks on each other. I need you to team up with me and prank others. I need you to show me you truly care for me even by not verbally telling me. I need you to be able to deal with the egotistical ass that I am. I need you to be able to verbally communicate what you want from me in this relationship.

I need you to accept my family’s restrictions. I need you to respect my family who are the 3 most important people in my life, as they are. I need you to be able to accept my priorities in life. I need you to be able to tell me to shut the hell up when I’m whiny or act needy. I want you to watch matches with me. I want you to have team fights with me. I want you to want to drive with me. I want you to try things you don’t normally do, for me, and be open about whether you liked the said thing or not.

I need you to be able to tell me the important things in your life (even if there is something more important than me, I’ll probably respect you for this). I need you to tell me if you want me to cook for you. I need you to be able to tell me that my dishes suck and what I could do to improve my cooking. I don’t want you to eat bland food that I cook because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.

I need you to be protective about me because I sure as hell will be. I need you to be able to deal with my constant negative self-esteem and self-doubt. I need you to be blunt with me. If you feel something is wrong, I need you to openly tell me. I need you to be able to tell me that you kissed another girl. I need you to be able to tell me if you cheat on me. I need you to be able to tell me if you want to give this relationship another try.

I need you to be comfortable around me and feel free to fart or burp or be goofy. I need you to even be able to crush on other girls or celebrities in front of me. I need you to tell me you’re busy and that you can’t talk right now. I want you to tell me when you are going out for a drink or a smoke, cause I won’t be judging or feeling left out. I want you to be comfortable enough to tell me you failed at something.

I want you to tell me lame jokes that other people so kindly discard because lame jokes are lame. I want you to want to kiss me. I want you to want to hold my hand while walking on the streets because I usually don’t hold hands. I want you to teach me things. I’ll do the same (probably even boast about it) if I know it. I want you tell me if I’m doing something wrong. I don’t mind you telling me I’m wrong at something. I’ll learn and be better at it. Yes, I’m egotistical but I’m always up for learning.

I’ll truly give my all. I’ll love you without even wanting to say those three magical words. I’m not very expressive/romantic when it comes to things like this. But I’ll subtly keep letting you know that you matter and you matter the most. I need you not to label our relationship. I’ll leave it up to you as to how you want to introduce me to your friends. I will always want to kiss you all the damn time. I’ll never say enough or be bored of your kisses. If there is one thing I’ll always be dramatically in need of, it would definitely be those soft/firm/rough/short/long kisses.

Thank you for coming in to my life as my lover. Thank you for everything you’ll do for me. Thank you for being okay to deal with my unnecessary sorrys and thank yous. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. Thank you, my love.

Regards,
Your lover.

Hope you all liked this letter. Feel free to share it to your lovers. Am I being too unrealistic for wanting a lover like this? What type of a lover do you want and what would you ask from your lover? Feel free to comment your thoughts and feelings about this post in the comment section below. Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

45. Catch-Up

Dear readers,

This week was fun, nothing really happened apart from me getting work done for college. Wish I was more productive than I was. I suck at time management and I’m not doing anything about it. I slept extremely late a couple of days, as well! Missed out on gym a lot, this week. I haven’t read a book since February. I haven’t played video games in almost a month. I don’t really know what I am doing. It’s not like I have tight schedule. I’m just whiling away time. Did not eat properly also this week. Need to make this week more relaxing and productive at the same time! See you next week. Hope you have a great week ahead 😀

Regards,
Realistic Beginner.

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